i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
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