Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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