i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I just found puke in my bra..
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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