So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
