So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
