hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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