fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
