I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
