Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
