Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
It's blow job season.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
