Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Quick, to the slutcave!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
