Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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