guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
