you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
