Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
