haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I want to fling myself into the sun
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