Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
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The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
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She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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