I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
