I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
