i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
