while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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