is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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