So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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