I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
