i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
