If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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