What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
