i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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