i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
