There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
