i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
