i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.