You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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