Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
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Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
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If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.