my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
A bitchslap is in order.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
