You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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