my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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