Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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