You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
