i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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