I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
