If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
