I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
