worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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