that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
