i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
