I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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