i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
