So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
