she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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