my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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