So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
