Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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