Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
