I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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