u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
