I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
