you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
