I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
