Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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