I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
