I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
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