I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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