Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
