I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
50% drunk capacity currently
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
