can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
3pm strippers are depressing
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
