He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
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This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
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Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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