Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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