Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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